Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
