Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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