Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
