Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Randomize
