did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
