so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
