My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Randomize
