I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
