Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
