nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
