My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
