I think i peed on brittanys purse
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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