Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I just had sex on a roof
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
