My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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