He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
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