is your mom at the bar?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
