he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
