youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Randomize
