Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
