I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I would ride that face into the sunset
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