If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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