Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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