This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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