My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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