In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
farters have to be the big spoon...
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
