Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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