so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
