3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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