I met the friendliest cop last night
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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