he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
