I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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