best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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