Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
