Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
