I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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