Say something about gay babies.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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