and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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