Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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