This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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