Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize