Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Just took my morning after pill in the library
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
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