Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
