I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize