Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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