Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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