One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
