My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize