I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
