i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
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