I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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