I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
we're so committed to being not committed
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize