Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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