I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize