there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
