i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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