Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
where are my eyebrows?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
