Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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