i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
