Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
